The depression is finally kickin in. Its been 3 weeks and 3
days since my knee surgery and all I can say is that is has literally been
agonizing the whole time. Morning, noon, and night. But where the depression is
coming from is not necessarily from the pain, but the from the lack of support
from the people around me. Too many times I have had to drive myself all across
town with tears in my eyes because of the pain the driving position requires. I
OFFICIALLY have no family even in the same state as me, and my check-ups are
utilized through test messaging or bi-monthly phone call. No encouraging texts,
no uplifting messages, no gestures to help uplift my spirits. I will give good
credit to my father and sister but he’s already in Hawaii and lil Whit all the
way up in Colorado. I love them dearly for they have done to help but with
their absence comes a requirement for those within my city limits to step up
and take over. My dearest friend in the world, Liz, has been the best nurse
possible but I see heartbreak in her eyes when she’s me so incapacitated. The
woman would accompany to hell (well, she kinda already has) no questions asked
except for, “So how much bud and how many flasks do we need for the trip?”
She’s
seriously the best as they come…hands down. I cant imagine the ecstatic
happiness in my life without her. But just as any relationship should be, we
have an extremely strong symbiotic bond. Without words being exchanged, we already
know what they other one needs, wants, and requires help with. And that is how
it should be. Now you are problem wondering why I am typing in tears when I
have such immaculate things to say about my dear friend but there is one more
crucial component that must be understood about the dynamic of our
relationship. She saved my life. But we also unknowingly endangered each others.
She has seen more than what most people will see a multitude of lifetimes. My
poor girl has been traumatized because of her heroic actions. I pray and pray
that she does not try to punish herself for actions that were meant to be. It
will take a decade (and the result of my future) for her to finally understand
what a gorgeous soul service she did for me, what she did for us. So with all
that being said, it burdens my heart to ask for any more help from dearest
friend. Until she has made total peace with divine work she did, I fear that
every time I ask for a glass of water or an extra pillow for my leg, that I am
on some level re-traumatizing her…and if that is the case, I would much rather
put in a little more pain than torment my girl anymore. She is strong, probably
one of the strongest people I will ever meet…but even warriors need time to
grieve.
So
if I don’t have family even 300 miles close to me, I am seriously lacking in
friends who would actually help me, and I try my best to un-burden my best friend…then
who does that leave? My supposed man. Out of the 3 ½ weeks since my surgery I
have seen him 3 times, two of which were for less than a few hours. He took me
to a show on Valentines day. Did I want to go? No. I can barely stand up and
crutches are like wearing shoes with permanent blisters in them. Not mention,
its not like I can dance…just watch. But he had his heart set on going on the
very day where it was SUPPOSE to be just us. Why did I go? Because he wanted
to. I sacrificed a severe amount of comfort so that my man could go dance HIS
off while I watched from a distance. We make plans to get together on Sunday
night and just relax and cuddle cuz that’s ALL I FUCKING WANT RIGHT NOW IS DAMN
FUCKING COMFORT. But the boy forgot he had to go to a COVER BAND that night.
All weekend long I was looking forward to Sunday and relaxing with my man, then
he tells me literally the morning of, he has a show to go to and that he
forgot. Does he not realize that I am entirely too sensitive to handle such news?
Does he not see that my HEART was set on FINALLY receiving some comfort because
the agony is really starting to get to me. Does he not know that just ONE day
of feeling good (and not painfully standing in a crowded club) would help give
me an incentive to actually get out of bed in the morning. For three weeks I
have slept till at least 4:00 pm, no joke. And then I would go to bed around 9.
THAT is how much pain I am in, THAT is how low my happiness is, THAT is how
little I currently care about the current amazing life I created around me. But
no, hes a selfish man, and this is the guy who is currently trying to become my
“boyfriend.”
I NEVER
ASK FOR HELP! I NEVER EVER admit that I actually need help. I told him last
night that I needed him. NEEDED HIM. The response I got left me in tears and an
abrupt hang up. I DON’T FUCKING NEED YOU ANYMORE! You say no to the one time
when I really need it just so you can go have fun at a fucking COVER BAND, the
fuck it…I DON’T NEED YOU! You want to be my boyfriend, or anyone’s for that
matter than learn how to FUCKIN sacrifice. Yes, you had a show, and yes you
mistook the date…but you go with the plans you made first you asshole,
especially when your girl literally falls over on the ground just to get to the
bathroom. I hope you had fun dancing, cuz I know I had just a ball crying
myself to sleep. PEACE. I don’t need, want, require, or will ever use your help
again. Leave me alone until I am better. I refused to me set up for
disappointment anymore…not in this state. So it would be best if you just
backed of.
THE
point I am trying to make is when your engaged in a relationship and one of you
is injured, it should be OBVIOUS that the person needs help…at all times...and
without asking for help. Im tired of asking, in fact that isn’t exactly my
style. So I am sorry I didn’t emphasize that going to a show for the third time
in three days is in no way for a one-legged, crutch-sluggin, 3 weeks out of
surgery girl to attend. I am hurt, very hurt. And on top of all that…he tried
to make me the bad person…that I am holding HIM back. Last we spoke was last
night…over 24 hours later…still haven’t heard from him. Thanks. Good luck
trying to win me back.
